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"Sex is a key to doorways of knowing. For me it has been a yoga through which new qualities of self evolved.” – Marco Vassi |
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Home Erotic Aliveness Sex and Spirit Services and Rates Workshops Caffyn |
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Erotic Aliveness
So much of the world outside and inside us militates against erotic aliveness. We become numb, turned-off, frozen. We may feel shut down and unwilling to cultivate and explore our erotic capacities. We may get stuck in habitual patterns of erotic expression that leave us yearning for something more. We may feel angry at partners who seem to act as gatekeepers to our erotic fulfillment.
Whether you are inside or outside of relationship, you deserve the joy you are capable of. With help, education, self-acceptance, healing and love, we can come home to the ecstasy that is our birthright.
The world needs this!
In a world of environmental degradation, economic upheaval,
inequality and violence, looking after our erotic well-being is a
powerful – and empowering – act of resistance. Erotically alive
people cannot be tyrannized. We cannot be squeezed into boxes, or
convinced to hate those who are different from us. We know, with
Barbara Deming, that “Our own pulse beats in every stranger's
throat, and also there within the flowered ground beneath our feet.”
Erotically alive people find joy in the physical world. We are kin
with plants, animals, fields and seas. We are at home in the wild.
In staggering numbers, we are sexually, physically and emotionally abused as children – betrayed by the adults we rely on to survive. In later years, many of us experience unwanted sex, rape, and sexual violence. We hurt other people. We frighten ourselves. We are hated and punished for our sexual choices. And when people don’t have sex by the rules (and that means almost everyone), the punishments are real and they are terrible. Simply living in a sex-negative culture – where desire is so often shamed – profoundly wounds this most sacred, secret part of us. We can become numb, psychically and physically. We can disassociate from our erotic capacities. Some people experience chronic pelvic constriction and pain. Some have little or no feeling in their genitals. Some respond to arousal by “shutting down” emotionally or physically. Some of us become hypersexual. Some feel we can only be aroused by extreme experiences or violent fantasies that cut through the numbness and allow our erotic feelings to unfold. Shame about our histories, bodies, (dis)abilities, desires and needs keep us isolated and untouched. So often, eroticism becomes entwined with self-hatred. Our lives and loves are distorted by self-defeating behaviors, obsessions, compulsions, and painful attachments. Jack Morin describes what happens when negative core beliefs distort erotic experiences. They disrupt our ability to accept sexual pleasure. They draw us into self-defeating situations. They can create overwhelming, intense compulsions and obsessions that we feel unable to resist. And they restrain us from developing our full potential – not just sexually, but in other areas as well (The Erotic Mind, p. 226). Sexual healing begins with acceptance – both self-acceptance, and the unconditional positive regard of another person. With self-acceptance and loving touch, we can become re-embodied, and allow the fullness of our erotic capacities to unfold. Compassion and self-affirmation expand as we make small and large decisions that promote our own best interests and nourish our respect for self and others. Morin invites us to ask "What would my eroticism be without self-deprecation and fear as guiding principles?” The answers may be astounding! The beginning of “coming to our senses” as erotic beings is to recognize that intercourse with a beloved partner is only one of many hundreds of possibilities for erotic interaction. We can learn to be playful. We can let go of empty and habitual approaches to sex. Instead of being run by the “drunken monkey of the mind,” we can bring our attention to the sensual, physical world of shape, texture, movement, and the force of aliveness within us. “Coming to our senses” means becoming mindful of our skin, our heartbeat, our breath, and the amazing intricacy of all we touch, see, smell, hear and taste – including our own bodies, and those of our lovers and friends. My teacher Joseph Kramer writes that as erotic educators we "assist individuals, couples and groups to be mindful of sex (to feel and to savor one's own aroused body). We also assist individuals to sense the variety of their erotic feeling states, to note the different qualities in those erotic trance states, and to become aware of the benefits of those states. In this way, we can nourish ourselves and others with our sexual arousal. We can awaken wisdom--individual and communal--with our sexual arousal. We can expand our empathic capacities through the use of erotic trance states. We can use our erotic embodiment to unleash creativity and playfulness in ourselves and in others. We can love ourselves, others and the planet. We can mindfully evolve--both individually and communally. This is why somatic sex education is so crucial right now. Mindful learning of erotic yoga practices and erotic massage connects us to our selves, our partners, our communities and all of life. This erotic self knowledge is a crucial yet squandered resource in the human community."
Sensate Focus Exercises
Do this exercise at least twice, for twenty minutes on separate days, before proceeding to stage 2.
In the next stage of sensate focus, you again make a dedicated time to either giving or receiving touch. At this stage, you can add a "hand riding" technique as a means of nonverbal communication. By placing one hand on top of the partner's hand while being touched, one can indicate if he or she would like more or less pressure, a faster or slower pace, or a change to a different spot. These nonverbal messages should be conveyed in such a way that the person being touched does not take over full control, but simply adds some additional input to the touching, which is still primarily done based on the interests of the toucher. Do this exercise at least twice, for twenty minutes on separate days, before proceeding to subsequent stages.
Sensate Focus Whether or not we have a lover – no matter what our age, sexual preferences or gender – we can live a more joyful, conscious life by learning how to consciously conjure erotic energy. We don’t have to wait until we have a lover, lose ten pounds, or heal all our wounds to feel sexual confidence and experience erotic embodiment. Sexological Bodyworkers and teachers Celeste and Danielle tell us how. Erotic embodiment is a way of life. It brings a sense of peace, and lets you flirt with the world. From the New School of Erotic Touch website.
“Being touched is essential to our physical welfare, our emotional
vitality, and our spiritual growth. However, none of us would thrive
if our being touched remained dependent on the love of others – the
love of our self is prerequisite….
Dodson advocates the use of a vibrator for clitoral stimulation as
an integral aspect of self-pleasuring and during partner sex. Her
preferred vibrator is the Hitachi Magic Wand. This very strong - and
rather loud - plug-in
vibrator can be used for an hour or two without burning up or
running down (in contradiction to the manufacturer’s directors,
which suggest a 20-minute maximum). It can be laid into a pillow and
“ridden” or applied to the clitoris while lying on the back. It is
pleasurable to vibrate the entire body, from feet to crown – being
careful to vibrate very tender areas, like the throat, only through
your hand or several layers of cloth. Attachments are available to
allow simultaneous penetration/vibration with the device.
For adding penetration to clitoral vibration, Betty Dodson suggests that women try out vegetables carved into different shapes to see how they fit before investing in a dildo. She adds a whole new dimension to the produce aisle by seeing it as the place she can pick out a lover for the night.
Many diverse sizes, shapes and textures of dildos, butt plugs, and other toys are available from excellent sex shops with online ordering, like Caya Cooperative and Womyn's Ware in Canada.
Meditation with Masturbation Artist and sex educator Annie Sprinkle talks about her practice of combining meditation with masturbation. She calls the practice: "Medabation". See her demonstrate the practice on video (available on line at the New School of Erotic Touch).
Evolutionary Masturbation is 50 minutes of explicit video with Joseph Kramer and Joe Miron on video available on line at the New School of Erotic Touch
• Take your time. The number one reason why women do not orgasm is
that they don't spend enough time pleasuring the whole clitoral
complex.
See also "Valley
Orgasm" in Sex
and Spirit
The following exercises can help with the process of bringing mindful
attention to the erotic aliveness that pulses within us.
Variation: Add two beats to the
inhalation and exhalation. After a few minutes, add two more beats.
Continue adding beats up to the resilient edge of resistance. Effort
is fine, but strain is counterproductive.
• Slowly separate and move your palms back and forth toward each
other about an inch. |
Another vibrator that is excellent and very quiet is
the battery-powered, waterproof "Mystic Wand" vibrator. A
high-quality motor features six different vibration modes that let
you choose from mild, strong, and stronger vibrations plus three
pulse intensities.
For men, an
excellent toy is the Fleshlight. It looks like a flashight on the
outside, but inside a soft silicone sleeve feels like flesh. You can
choose anal or vaginal-style openings. The nice thing about a
fleshlight is that you can secure it to a table at penis-level, and
thrust into it with your hands free. This form of masturbation can
be a dance and heart-opening meditation that connects you with your
body's capacity for extended pleasure. 