Take Intercourse Off the Menu
for an evening, a week, a year… Intercourse is way too often the default mode for being sexual. Let your creativity flourish and enjoy exploring a myriad of other ways of being sexual.
Delicate genital tissues need lots of lubrication to enjoy long periods of stimulation. Use organic coconut oil, and/or a water-based or silicone lube. Experiment with different levels of slipperyness and notice the different things you are inspired to try.
For non-verbal communication of the ever-changing clitoral landscape, you can show your partner just what speed, pressure, and type of movement would feel right by moving your hand on their thigh.
Ask for specific feedback
Instead of asking, “Does this feel good?” you can ask for specific feedback by saying “Would more or less pressure feel better?” “Would you like one or two fingers?” “Do you prefer this angle or this one?”
Explore Unexpected Erogenous Zones
Be sure to explore unexpected erogenous zones including feet, hands, and head, and the soft inside of joints such as knee, elbow, wrist and armpit. These areas are richly endowed with nerve endings, and stimulating them can be very arousing.
Our genitals smell better when we eat a diet that is rich in vegetables, fruits and grains. Avoid big servings of meat, cigarettes and alcohol if you want to offer the best-tasting genital feast.
Create a safe container
Create a safe container where you both can feel vulnerable, gorgeous, accepted, encouraged, unrestrained and TOTALLY turned on. One way to create this container is with your words: witness and celebrate the sights, smells, shapes, sounds, and involuntary emissions of your lover’s body.
Make small offers
Make small offers to achieve a string of Yeses when initiating an erotic exchange. Make these small offers without a bigger agenda. Pay close attention to which offers are welcomed. Use all your senses to get information – moment to moment – on what and how he or she is feeling. If you hear or feel “no,” back off without resentment. You may need to give your lover space to discover their genuine appetite.
“Ladies First” is a good guiding principle for most erotic exchanges between men and women. Women typically take much more touch over a longer period to build arousal and orgasm. Men typically feel tired and spent after an ejaculatory orgasm. Hence it usually works better to focus on the woman’s orgasm first. But beware, don’t let this principle become a tired formula! Tease, tarry and change it up. Experiment simultaneous orgasms (perhaps with both partners self-pleasuring) and “Gentlemen First” (What can you do when you are tired and spent? Try watching, storytelling, fingers, vibrators and surprises.) Play with not stopping after one orgasm.
Touch at the “resilient edge of resistance”
Touch that is too soft is irritating. Touch that is too hard is assaultive. The pressure that feels good changes with your partner’s level of arousal, time of the month, and time of life. Be acutely aware of how your touch is being received. Receive verbal and non-verbal feedback throughout your erotic exchanges.
Take an Anatomy Lesson
Ask your lover for an anatomy lesson. What are the various parts of his or her genitalia? How do they like to be touched? Hold a mirror so they can see and touch themselves while explaining their genitals to you.
Be 100% present.
When we touch someone, we touch their entire history, their deepest wounds, their secret identity, their healing powers, and their most profound capacities for joy. This is especially true when we touch the genital matrix of body-mind-spirit-emotion. Whether you are with someone for an hour or a lifetime, with each touch, we can be mindful of this.
Invite Self-Pleasuring In to your Lovemaking
Only a very small minority of women achieve orgasm through intercourse alone. Many more women are orgasmic when masturbating. The whole landscape of pleasure changes when we combine selfloving with loving others, and share our self-pleasuring practice as part of partner sex. Partners can partake and enhance sensation by learning how to hold the vibrator, or stimulate her whole network of erectile tissue while she stimulates her clitoral glans.
Say Thank You
Make a habit of saying “Thank you” every time you get feedback or a request. Never say “I’m sorry.” The “I’m sorry” response indicates that feedback is received as criticism, inhibiting future dialogue. “Thank you” invites more communication and deepening intimacy.
Stay Present with Genital Sensation
Erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation – few people realize that these seemingly opposite conditions are at root the same problem, and often happen to the same people in their sexual practice over time. Healing either of these issues – and many more – involves learning to stay focused and fully present with a full range of genital sensation.
We can learn new intimacy skills by reading, but sexual learning is carried and lived in the body. Coaching, bodywork, retreats and workshops help you integrate new knowledge about intimacy and erotic energy into your own lived bodies through practice.